..Long Time Coming..

So I've been debating on whether to talk about my past on here. Sometimes some people's blogs I read get a little too personal, but I get sick of writing the same stuff. Plus I figure not a lot of people read this anyways so it shouldn't really matter, it's more for my own memory.

So this pregnancy has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've wanted to be a mom so unbelievably bad, for I can't remember how long. For those who don't know, I was married before Alex. I got married right out of high school..like 6 weeks after I graduated. His name was Ryan and we met working at Sizzler. This was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I don't regret it, but it was still a mistake. I learned and matured so much from that 22 months of marriage to that man. I had to grow up fast. He was almost 10 years older than me, and I guess he thought he had authority over me. He had all the symptoms of being bi-polar, but never got help for it so he was never on any medications or anything. I felt like I was walking on eggshells the entire marriage. I never knew what would set him off and what wouldn't. After the first few months of marriage, he became very verbally and emotionally abusive, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it became physical. Luckily, I got out before it did.

This was going on while we were dating even, and looking back on it now, I don't know why I didn't run as fast and as far away as I could from him. But like I said, it made me grow up fast, and afterwards actually was a blessing in disguise. I knew what I wanted in a man after that, and I knew what warning signs to look for, and that helped me get away from a lot of bad guys while I was dating after my divorce. 

And it helped me to know that Alex was the absolute right man for me, and that feeling has never ever changed.

Ryan and I found out I was pregnant the first time 5 days before we got married. I was ecstatic, I always knew I wanted to be a young mom, and Ryan had moved on from Sizzler and had a steady job that paid well, so we figured why not start right away on our family? The first 16 weeks went well, I was so sick though. Then one night, I started bleeding. After 6 hours in the ER, we find out that I had miscarried at about 12 weeks, but it took a month for my body to recognize it and start the miscarriage process. 

I was devastated. Ryan, on the other hand, wasn't very religious or spiritual and he pretty much just told me to get over it. It wasn't a living thing, it didn't have a soul. That is when I knew things wouldn't work out with him.

But, being young and stupid, I stayed with him for another year and a half..and through another 2 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy.

For those counting, that means I had 4 pregnancies in a little over a year and a half, and under the age of 20. I had no idea what was wrong with me, the doctors could never figure it out. The ectopic pregnancy was the last straw on our marriage. That happened March 1st, 2008, and we separated on April 13. 

So, you can kind of see why this pregnancy has been so emotional for me. I've tried my absolute hardest to not let Alex see me get emotional when I think about the bad things that can happen. This is the reason why we kept it a secret for the first 20 weeks. I hated telling people, and then literally the next day miscarrying. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't go through another miscarriage. It would kill me. Alex gave me a wonderful blessing when we found out, and that helped calm my nerves for a while. I went to the doctor for the first time in June, and they did blood work and background checks and stuff. This time though, since it was my 5th pregnancy with no successful ones, they ran a few extra tests. We come to find out that my progesterone levels were lower than normal, and this could easily have been the reason behind my 3 miscarriages. 

Luckily, it is also easily treated with medication I had to take 2 times a day for the first 14 weeks. 

Words cannot describe the relief I felt when I first felt her move, and every time I hear her heartbeat, and when I saw her on the ultrasound, and when we found out that it was a girl!! All of these things I had never experienced before, the amazing things about being pregnant. I had always related being pregnant with sorrow, pain, sadness, and never knowing what was going to happen.

Alex knew my past when we met, he knew my troubles with my pregnancies, and he has been absolutely amazing through this pregnancy. Every time I feel freaked out by something, like if I don't feel her move for a while, or if I just feel like something is wrong, he is right there to let me know everything is okay. He reminds me to say a prayer and to rely on our Heavenly Father, that he knows and will do everything that is right for me, and I have to trust that no matter what. And every time I do, Macee instantly kicks me or rolls over to let me know she's okay.

I am so thankful for the Gospel. I wasn't active while Ryan and I were married, and I know that was a sign to me that things weren't right. I need the Gospel in my life, and in the lives of my children. I need a husband that holds the Priesthood, who can give me and my children the blessing we need. Alex helped me get back to the church, and we were able to be sealed together in the temple. That to me, strengthened my testimony so much. Just knowing I could be forgiven and be given a second chance at a happy life and eternity helped my testimony grow almost instantly. I am so thankful and so excited to bring Macee into this world and to have her be raised in a happy, healthy family.

I have been writing this blog post for a while, and editing and deleting and re-writing things. It might be a little too personal, and some people reading it might not have known all this about me, but it does feel really good to get everything off my chest!

Well, here I am at 28 weeks. I get to have another ultrasound tomorrow, and I am so excited to see my baby Macee again! I can't wait to see how much she's grown and changed, and hopefully they do another 3D one so I can put a little face to this little dancer in my belly!